No.319

Bertram Wainwaith is the foremost scholar in the subject of 'knowing things'. He's constantly being flown out to exotic locations like Milan, Copenhagen and Stoke to give talks about being brilliant, hosting lectures about intelligence and going to parties just to be the smartest geezer in the room.

Ask him any question, and he'll somehow know the answer.

What is the key element used to make carbon dioxide detectors? “Palladium,” he'll retort, as he strokes his chin and reads Dostoyevsky.

Who is the geezer that plays Truman Capote lookalike in Annie Hall? “Truman Capote,” he'll prudently answer, as he watches Bergman's Persona and understands it completely.

When exactly does Waitrose reduce the baked goods? “6:36,” he'll reply, in a thoughtful cadence, as he does his weekly shop for under a tenner.

Why did my wife leave me? “If you still have to ask that Gordon...” he'll respond rancorously, as he shoos you away with a single flick of the wrist. Naturally, you obey.

He's smarter than an owl reading Infinite Jest while cooking consommé. I mean, just look at his clobber – numptys don't dress like that...