No.262

Moving to a new town? Want to make a good impression? Well, here are a few tips to help you settle in to the community…

First things first you’re going to want to spend at least four nights a week aimlessly wandering around dark alleyways in a big black jacket (in an ideal world you’d do this every night but we realise some people have prior commitments). This should get the town talking and help to build a bit of a ‘buzz’ around you. If this fails, we recommend staring through your neighbour’s bedroom window at the break of dawn — this way your face will be the first thing they see when they open their curtains in the morning.

By now you should be well on your way to being known throughout the area. This is the perfect opportunity to start moving people’s garden ornaments around in the middle of the night and mowing ancient symbols into their lawns. Everyone loves having their stuff tampered with so your new friends will no doubt get a real kick out of all this.

If all has gone to plan then after all this you’ll have earned a firm seat in the community. If not, then don’t fret — other top tips include letting down people’s car tyres, walking around with a dog lead (but no dog) and posting dead birds through letterboxes.