Oi Polloi


Published: Fri Jan 03 2014

Home Alone 9: Alone in a Home

Now a 32 year old man, Kevin Mccalister is once again home alone after a painful breakup with his long-term girlfriend. His blubbering didn’t last for long though, and after ordering a pizza and watching an old mobster film, he got to work defending his house from the no-doubt imminent burglary that he knows being alone in a home instigates. He heated up his door handles, he made sure his doorstep was particularly icy and he constructed a cunning contraption involving a nail-gun, a food processor and a four-way plug socket adapter. He then realised that he didn’t have anything worth stealing anyway and spending two days gluing drawing pins to his carpet is a bit of a weird way for a 32 year old to act. Alright, it’s not particularly exciting, but considering all that Macaulay Culkin is doing at the moment is playing in a pizza-based Velvet Underground covers band (we’re sorry to say this isn’t a joke), we’re quietly confident that he’ll reprise the role.