Oi Polloi


Published: Thu Dec 19 2013

Speakin' out

Do you have any idea what it’s like to have everyone say that you don’t exist? That you’re fat? That you’re lazy? That you only work for one night a year? I do, and it hurts. All I ever wanted to do was sprinkle a little joy into a few lives. Nothing too drastic, just give them Jeremy Clarkson’s new book or treat them to a Lynx body-wash gift-set. I know I wasn’t going to change the world, but I certainly wasn’t doing anyone any harm. I think the straw that broke this reindeer’s back was those Coca Cola adverts. Don’t get me wrong; I like a cool, refreshing carbonated soft drink as much as the next gift-giving Saint, but who was that guy they got to play me? Since when did I look like a white-haired Brian Blessed? Do you think I could deliver, high-quality, well-thought out presents to over seven billion people if I could barely fit through the post-office door? For a while I hid away. I wore sunglasses. I was ordained as a monk. I bought a Segway. But that’s just wasn’t me. My counsellor says it’s important to be yourself, and I try, I really do. It’s just hard to be yourself when you can’t even say your real name without people thinking you’re some sort of wise-guy trying to crack a joke. And mince pies? Please… does no one know that I’m allergic to raisins?